How I Fucked Up

[Firebird98]

After my wife left and it was made clear that our marriage was never ever going to work again, I started a relationship with someone else. It started out as just friends, but then it grew to more than that. I really care about this person, and over time, I grew to love her. She made me happier than I felt in a long time, considering what I just gotten out of, and I swore I would make this better than the last time.
Things were going great until Wednesday. I called her that night and said I was someone else (she has roommates and one of them doesn't exactly like me) so she'd talk to me. I didn't know how damaging this was to her until the next day, when I found out that my little lie, all in the sake of talking to her, had really upset her. Once the fact set in, I felt that same feeling I had when Heather died. I had just lied to the same person I had told moments before that I loved, and I hurt her deeply, another thing I swore I would not do. I was in tears for most of the day out of anger to myself and the very thought that I might lose her. And that thought hurts me harder than anything, because I really am sorry, I regret that I could be that fucking stupid in that brief time, and that I might never see her again.
She's not speaking to me right now, and I understand why. I just want to keep reminding her that I'm hurting as much as she is, and that I want her to come back, but at the same time, I don't want to cause anymore stress to her. She has had a rough past few weeks, and what I did only made it worse.
It doesn't seem like much, what I did, but the bottom line is that I lied to her, something I can never forgive my self for. I only hope she can.

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Thou Shall Not Spilleth Thy Beer
Enforcer for WiloeLeigh
Jely is my other sidekick
Ski and Tyledras are family.
If I'm right then I lose nothing nothing, if you're right I lose it all.
True friends stab you in the front

"You are such a whore."-Tyledras

"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf."
George Orwell

[Shadowcat]

*hugs* We all make mistakes. It's the people that love that forgive us, and let us start over again. I'm sorry that happened to you, man. You've got to lighten your guilt just a bit. You are only human.


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Member of the Branflakes Fan Club
Rabid fan of Willow & Tara
Slowly making my way to 1K
Working Help Desk all day long, and posting once again.
Amuse me while I'm @work: AIM SYRPatM

[Ski]

What the fuck????
All that shit over a damn phone call???
dare I say I'm missing somthing here?
Bird, get with me on msn if you get a chance.

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Miral's Slave
tyledras's Sidekick
Sanctuary for an Elf

I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar!-Jay

[Branflakes]

*big hugs to everyone involved*

We all make mistakes. The important thing is to learn from them. I hope things improve soon.

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The ninja lesbian milk getter. aka dorkflakes.
Take the time to feel the wind.
I'm tired of the silent majority. Silence equals death.
"I'm not crazy, I'm just reality challenged" -tyledras
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[JaceSan]

All you can do is apologize and hope she gets over it. And if she doesn't you should.

[La Luna Unita]

'Bird, you know what I think, and for anyone else who's curious, it's only appropriate over email.

*seethes mightily*

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May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose

[Annalee]

I wound my way all the way over here to give my opinion and make sure you hadn't had a radiation recurrence. Hope you don't mind. Bird, I don't think your friend's anger necessarily has anything to do directly with you. Sure, you may have precipitated it, but that is not the kind of lie somebody gets that upset about unless there are some really bad associations with all lies. Maybe you should have known about the associations, maybe you should have been able to see all this play out, but I am not sure that is a fair request. You may have made a mistake, but it was unintentional and it doesn't seem to warrant such extreme consequences. I would bet that this has a lot more to do with those who came before you than with you and that if she takes the time, she'll figure that out too. I will be wishing you well.

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"If you don't break my ass, then I won't break your heart" Jim Dodge

[Firebird98]

There was alot more to the story than I originally thought, but I blame myself for being a total buffoon for not seeing the obvious. But since it's over, I can only hope that I can still have her as a friend.

Yet, for me, life goes on. I spent the weekend in Jacksonville trying to pick up my pieces to the marriage I almost destroyed prior to this lesson in humilty, and things went well. I told her all about what went on, and although she was upset, she said that over time, she'd forgive me fully.

As for the other one, I don't want her to shut me out, I just want to be able to talk to her again. I accept that it's over, that she's never coming back, but I still have a place in my heart for her, and I treasure her friendship, I always have, more than her love, more than anything.



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Thou Shall Not Spilleth Thy Beer
Enforcer for WiloeLeigh
Jely is my other sidekick
Ski and Tyledras are family.
If I'm right then I lose nothing nothing, if you're right I lose it all.
True friends stab you in the front

"You are such a whore."-Tyledras

"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf."
George Orwell

[Annalee]

There must have been a lot more to the story if this was the straw that busted your back. It is awfully hard to make the transition from beloved friend to beloved lover. Do you think your time with your friend will effect your reconciliation with your wife?

I am, obviously, being incredibly nosy. However, I am totally curious about how the whole marriage thing works since I hardly know anyone who is married and certainly not happily. Having said that, I am also interested as apparently I am getting married this summer. *gasp, pours quick drink, lights cigarette - does this every time it comes up* and I just sort of wonder what it is like. Hope things go well for you. Take care of yourself and give yourself a little slack - it is impossible and repulsive to be perfect.

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"If you don't break my ass, then I won't break your heart" Jim Dodge

[Firebird98]

I don't think it will in the long run, but she asks what all went on between us. It'll take some time to heal with her, but I hope it turns out good no matter what. I respect both of their decisions regardless of how stupid I look in the end.

But since I dedicated numerous songs to her, if she should totally shut me out, here's the swan song.

Hands on the wheel, all is straight ahead
Left behind, second guessing all that I once said

My spirit is bent and there's blood on my hands
The more I'm down, the less I understand
Once so found, now so lost
I ask no questions, there's just one more bridge to cross.

All is black and white, wouldn't change even if I could
I'll take what I'm handed whether it's damned or if it's good

My spirit is burnt and there's blood on my hands, the more I'm down, the less I understand
Once so found, now so lost
I ask no questions, There's just one more bridge to cross.

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Thou Shall Not Spilleth Thy Beer
Enforcer for WiloeLeigh
Jely is my other sidekick
Ski and Tyledras are family.
If I'm right then I lose nothing nothing, if you're right I lose it all.
True friends stab you in the front

"You are such a whore."-Tyledras

"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf."
George Orwell

[This message has been edited by Firebird98 (edited March 18, 2002).]